Stop. Collaborate. Listen.

I was looking through Iron Man photos that panasonicyouth pointed out this morning and decided to check out some info on the movie at the IMDb. It mentioned that Robert Downey Jr. is going to be in the new Incredible Hulk movie as Tony Stark too?? Does that mean Iron Man will be in the new Incredible Hulk movie, too? Does this mean they'll fight???

So I understand that this is old news (AICN Dec, 2007), but the geek in me still goes plotz, and now I can’t wait for both of these movies, and despite the lack of circulating rumours about fight scenes including Robert Downey Jr. and Edward Norton, I mean two computer-generated superheros, I can still hold my breath and hope.

And speculate, I suppose, too.

If I could make a movie about how the Hulk and Iron Man throw down, I imagine it would start with Norton making some snide remark about Downey being perfect for the part of Tony Stark, and then Downey making some snide remark about Norton being perfect for the part of Smoochy. After that, Norton would remind Downey he was in the Shaggy Dog, and then, "This coming from the guy who played a movie about a priest and a rabbi!"

"Singing Detective!" shoots Norton.

"Have you no taste in movies? Oh, I forgot, you worked with Richard Gere and Matt Damon, so clearly you don't."

"This coming from the man who's been in more bad movies than George Carlin! I remember wasting seven dollars on a little movie called Danger Zone. Remember that?"

This is the point where Downey takes one of the five beer bottles in front of him and smashes it over Edward Norton's head. And the immortal words of the late, great, Bill Bixby, You wouldn't like me when I'm angry, ring out in Downey's mind. And he realises he just made a boo boo.

Scrambling to get back to his car, because the suit's in there, he leaves poor Banner too writhe around on the ground and turn pale green and grow to about three times the size of his normal self and scream "HULK SMASH!"

That's when they say, it's on. Iron Man blasts into the sky and fires little pulse blast things from his hand at the Hulk, who leaps into the air with fists aimed directly at the little metal dude. A hit square to Iron Man's jaw knocks him spinning further up, up, and away, and gravity takes Mr. Green back down to the top of some nearby building. Eventually Iron Man regains his senses, so to speak, just in time to avoid a Boeing on its way to Japan. He aligns himself in the sky and peers down.

There's the Hulk, all distracted by a great dane sitting in the park. Children and parents are running away, screaming MONSTER IN THE PARK!!! but he doesn't care, because, "OO PUPPEE!" He pets the thing gently, and the dog barks happily, and then the cops roll in with their guns. I'm sure you know what happens.

"WUT? Y HOOMINS SHOOTING AT ME???" The inevitable picking up of a tree and throwing it at the Popo, who duck and cover behind their cars. A stupid move on their part, because a tree is heading for said vehicles, and sure enough they'll still be injured by the tree.

But luckily, at long last, Tony Stark swoops out of the sky and catches the tree just in time to save the ill-equipped police officers. "I'll take it from here," he announces to them. "Go grab a cup of coffee and watch the action unfold from the relative safety of the Starbucks on the corner."

They oblige.

Iron Man catches Hulk's eyes. They meet from across the park, like star-crossed enemies meeting for the second time. Iron Man chucks the tree at Hulk, and quickly follows it at high-speed. Hulk bats the tree aside and gets sucker-punched by a fist coming in at about two knots. The force throws him back through the window into a restaurant in the west-end town. He gets up and starts kicking in chairs and knocking down tables, screaming, "BIG METAL MAN GIV HULK BOO BOO!!!" He grabs two tables and throws him at Iron Man, and roars.

But Iron Man cannot be stopped by tables. They bounce off him like toothpicks. Iron Man uses his hand-lasers to shoot down the Hulk again, but they kinda do little more than anger the Hulk. And you know what they say about the Hulk. The angrier, the stronger.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAR" goes the Hulk, and dashes out of the restaurant, earth-shattering step by earth-shattering step, with both fists closed together above his head, a little solar eclipse above Iron Man. The fists come down, rocking the ground for about eighty yards all around him, but completely missing Iron Man, who deftly dodges the attack.

And Sam Witwicky's dad screams, "Earthquake! Duck and cover!" while diving under the dining room table, never once spilling his wine.

Iron Man spins around the Hulk and picks him up from behind. "Come on, big fella! We gotta cool you off somehow!" He blasts off, and the Hulk can't seem to turn around to get his big, grubby hands on Ole Red and Gold. All he can do is roar, "SRSLY, DIS SUX!" and try and do the reach around so he can get Iron Man off his back. Literally.

Iron Man remembers seeing an old TV show where they locked the Hulk in an airtight chamber, and when he fell asleep he turned back into Banner, so they're going to some place in the deserts where he's sure they'll have airtight chambers.

That's where that old TV cartoon he saw took place, you see.

So they're off, the Hulk screaming, "PLZ 2 LEGGO MEH NAO!" the whole time, but eventually the Hulk gets mad enough that all he has to do is breathe in a little bit and the strength of his inhaling is enough to push Iron Man off.

As Stark loses his grip on the Hulk, he curses to himself, and then says, "Screw it." The Hulk is now free! But from 15,000 feet above the ground, there's not much the Hulk can do. So he just plummets face first into the ground below.

Stark also realises he can't do this on his own. The Hulk is just too powerful. He calls in an old friend, Nick Fury.

"You need the help of Col. Nick Fury and S.H.I.E.L.D. to stop this menace? I'll do it for fifty thousand dollars."

Stark is shocked and appalled by Fury's sudden sense of greed. All he can manage is, "What?"

Fury's communication comes in. "What country you from?"

"What?"

"What ain't no country I ever heard of. Do they speak English in What?"

Stark doesn't get the game Fury's playing. "What?"

"English, motherfucker, do you speak it?"

"This isn't funny, Fury. Are you gonna help me out or not?"

"I'm just messin' with ya, kid. We'll be there."

I hate you, Nick Fury, Stark thinks to himself as he hangs up. Then, THUD! Iron Man goes flying uncontrollably again. Spinning head over heel. sideways across the luscious desert landscape.

During that whole transaction over the phone, the Hulk had enough time to
a. smash face-first into the ground
b. scream METAL HOOMIN NO MAEK BROKED HULK!
c. find iron man and pummel him again.

Iron Man crashes into the side of a cliff. He's kinda stuck there when the warning light in his suit announces he is running low on batteries -- which kinda sucks because the big green is now on a head-on collision with him, running at full steam with no signs of stopping. Iron Man wedges his way out of the cliff face and blasts off. Hulk vaults himself up to catch Iron Man, and they share a few fists and parries before the Hulk falls to the ground again.

He leaps up to meet Iron Man again and is met with a tiny missile to the face. Doesn't hurt so much but it distracts the Hulk and gives just enough opposite force to keep the Hulk from ascending any further.

And now he plummets back to the desert below. "O NOES!" he screams, and his body digs a giant man-shaped hole into the ground.

"Fury, you here yet?" Tony screams.

"Yeah. Look to your left," comes an inbound communication.

Iron Man looks to the left. And there, all the way in the distance, he can barely see—

The proud figure of Nick Fury, standing alone in the distance, his robe completely still in the absence of a desert breeze. He uses his Force Speed to make it to Iron Man's position lickety split, and announces, "The cavalry has arrived."

He flicks a switch, and the laser-sword hisses on with a snap. The Hulk catches the purple glow of the lightsaber, runs up to it, and happily bellows, "LAZR MACHES MAH PANS!!"

But Nick Fury is not amused. "In the name," he announces, as his S.H.I.E.L.D. cohorts line up behind him, "of the Galactic Senate of the Republic, you're under arrest, Hulk."

The Hulk stops, confused. He cocks his head to the side while contemplating the ramifications of his actions up to this point, as well as the options he has before him. To go the easy way or the hard way. On one hand, he could end the fight now, and spare the lives of the S.H.I.E.L.D. associates, or he could stand up for his own rights as a big, green creature, and fight them all at once. And after they are defeated, he can be left alone. He makes his decision. "IZ TREEEEEEEEEZON!" he shouts and rushes them all at once.

Though it happens to fast for one to see, each member of S.H.I.E.L.D. turn on their lightsabers in succession, and an arc of blue light forms, a semicircle around their leader. They all stand poised in defensive stances. The Hulk stops, claps his hands in front of him, and all of S.H.I.E.L.D. are blown away from the force of the clap (not to be confuzzled with the Force in which Nick Fury is adept).

The Hulk then turns his sights on Iron Man, and gives him a sinister, you're done for, glare.

Iron Man analyzes his suit. 24% power. Definitely not enough to sustain a battle. Plus, all the beer he drank is getting to him, and he kinda has to pee. But not in the suit, man. Not in the suit! He can't risk it. Iron rusts, you know.

So Iron Man takes a step back. Keep his distance from the Hulk, and try and buy some time. For what, he doesn't know.

The Hulk follows with one step forward.

Iron Man takes another step back. The Hulk follows with another step. A pause. A synchronized backpedalling of Iron Man with Hulk's advances. Another pause. Iron Man throws one foot forward. Hulk takes a step back. Iron Man ignites his boots and circles the Hulk, who merely stands and watches.

Iron Man lands near Col. Fury and slaps him awake. "I have an idea."

The Hulk growls and runs towards the two. He still wants to fight. At a distance of ten feet, he skids to a stop, and throws out his arms and roars. "HOOMINS FITE MOAR!"

Fury stands up, waves his hand in front of him, and tells the Hulk. "You don't want to fight anymore."

"I DUN WANNA FITE NO MOAR."

"You're calm and collected."

"AHM CAM AN KOLEKTED."

"Yeah. You just wanna go to sleep."

"YA I JUS WANNA GO TOO SEEP."

"So go sleep."

The Hulk yawns, tilts his head back, and crashes onto the ground. Within seconds, he's snoring.

And as if by some twisted, Guillermo Del Toro version of a mircale, the Hulk shrinks in size.

He's banner again.

Iron Man crashes to the ground, his batteries nearly depleted. "Thanks for the help, Col. Fury."

Nick Fury takes a seat on the ground next to Iron Man, helps him remove the mask. "For an old friend? Any time."

Banner crawls over to them. "Hey, you guys have any clothes or anything I can borrow?"

A Reo pulls up, and Fury informs the driver of what happened. Banner feels kinda bad for the damage he caused, so he helps load the fallen soldiers into the truck.

They're helping the last one in, when Nick Fury says, "You know, I didn't like American History X all that much."

Banner glares at Fury. "What??"

Fury returns the glare. "Say what again. I dare you. I double-dare you, motherfucker, say what one more Goddamn time."

And Stark rolls his eyes. "Here we go again."

Banner's eyes are flashing green.