oh it feels so good

[11:35] AM REBEL 171: two more weeks
[11:35] NessaLH: ME TOO
[11:35] NessaLH: YAY!
[11:36] AM REBEL 171: my foot is in the door
[11:36] AM REBEL 171: yeah
[11:36] NessaLH: lol
[11:36] AM REBEL 171: i can't sleep
[11:36] NessaLH: i was singing that song yesterday
[11:36] AM REBEL 171: in the wake of saturday
[11:36] AM REBEL 171: BABABAHAHABAHAHAHAHAHAH
[11:36] AM REBEL 171: i'm listening to it now
[11:36] NessaLH: ijust put it on my mp3 player
[11:36] NessaLH:
[11:36] AM REBEL 171: it just randomply played
[11:36] NessaLH: i love that song
[11:36] NessaLH: the first time i went to philly was to see them live.

Yes. I am horrible at typing in chat.

(just to give you an idea of why i chose the format for this entry)

I'm not perfect. And only sometimes do I have a problem with my appearance. I feel odd talking about it, both the good and the bad. Because if I ever say anything, someone else says, "yeah whatever, you're awesome!" or something silly and trite like that. But hey. We all have our monsters, right?

Activate interlock. Dynatherms connected, infracels up. Mega-thrusters are go!

FORM FEET AND LEGS:


In case you never knew, my feet are tiny!!! And sometimes it freaks me out because I have zero sense of balance too. I'm wondering if it's because of the small feet or the fact that my left leg is slightly longer than my right? It's not noticibly longer (I don't think), but sometimes I tend to walk funny. And, also, you know, I did some stupid stuff in high school like ROUNDHOUSE KICK MY FRIENDS and LEAP DOWN ENTIRE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS and I kinda messed up my knees a lot. And I have bad posture too. But I guess this isn't the place to bring that up, is it?

FORM ARMS AND TORSO:

I like how my arms just have all these little scars. Most of them from mishandling a pet cat. One of them from falling off a car. I have no problems with my arms. They're the things that allow me to play guitar or bass or piano, and most of the things on the drum set.

What I don't like are how my shoulders seem to bruise easily. My backpack that carries my laptop and camera are heavy. There's red where the straps cross over my collar and my shoulder blade. I have a couple random lines straight across my chest. Where do these come from?

I have no abs. I don't have a six pack. I just have this sorry excuse for a keg. My shoulders aren't very wide. I look like I have a gigantic— oh wait.

AND I'LL FORM THE HEAD:

When compared against my shoulders, it looks like I have a big head. Actually, I think I have a big head and a small body, now that I have a better look. Or it could just be all the hair.

My nose is kind of flat. I have these spots on my face that just love to get pimples. My teeth are no longer the shiny bright white. I'm getting old. Bags line my eyes, these dark circles, indentations that I just can't do anything about, can I? Just another sign of age.

I don't really have a whole lot to say, good or bad, because I generally don't think about my appearance. I can complain about certain things because they're things I tend to think about a lot. But this is me. My appearance.

Remind me to like it more often.

sometimes i get really giddy when i come home and find a myspace message waiting for me
melissa says, "hit it."

I got electronic drums and a kick pedal tonight. The drums didn't come with a rack, so now I have to get a rack too. I'm setting up this half-assed thing and I have no clue what I'm doing in the first place. My first night with these drums is ultimately fruitless. Fran went with me and played around on the drums. He's left-handed, like me, but he can play a regular drum kit; he plays what he calls "open-handed." I don't know if I want to play as well as he; it's a pretty high aspiration. I watched him play some music he'd been working on with his band, his odd meters. And then I grabbed a set of Roland electronic drums.

I'mw atching Ghost Hunters by myself and it's totally freaking me out. Cuz you know me, I'm a real wuss when it comes to this. I wonder if I'll be able to sleep just fine. The dudes upstairs are hearing knocking noises and a flashlight gets turned on. And then two women are downstairs talking to ghost children and I'm just freaking out or something! They're now in like an office or something and these two guys who had the knocking and flashlight thing are going around with EVP machines.

"Turn that light out."

"Hold on a sec. I thought I saw something move."

"What?!"

I bet it was just a rat.

I've been in a Modest Mouse mood. They're on my laptop, and one of the CDs in my car. I always want to listen to Modest Mouse in the spring. I wonder if it means anything.

I'm sorry I haven't been around to coment much. It's just that time of life.

My eyes are falling shut. But I'm afraid I won't be able to sleep. I'm such a wuss.

Eye colour: brown. almost black.
Hair colour: Definitely black
Height: I don't even know why I'm doing this thing
Right or left handed: I am definitely not a fan of these stupid surveys.
Nicknames: Oh, to answer the last question, I'm left-handed
Favourite food: There's too many to just choose one
Number or piercings: Oh great. I bet you're gonna ask me about tattoos next.
Any tattoos: Oh crap I was right.
Favourite clothing brand: Lately I've been partial to Heritage 1981. But I'm a name-brand whore. I'd get Gap and Hollister jeans and nice dress shirts
Favourite scent: Spring
Favourite book: I can't read
The best film of all time is: OK definitely getting bored with this
Favourite music genre: how many more questions are there?
My choice band/musician in the world is: Dear lord does it matter??
Favourite drink: Oh. Captain & Coke.
Favourite season: Autumn.
Tea or coffee: They're BOTH good!
Silver or gold: OK bored again
Weaknesses: Bullets
Strengthes: Shoot laser beams from my eyes and grow when angry
Fears: Marriage and Magneto
Pet peeves:  surveys
When I'm sad or down, I: take sad pictures
Do you sing: Totally. Just you watch. Hey Dawn can I sing at your wedding?
If you could have your dream career, what would it be: Awesome
What makes you happy: Springtime. Temperatures and hems go up
First thought when you wake up: I dunno. My brain doesn't start to function until after I shower
Do you get motion sickness: I wanted to throw up at "Cloverfield."
Do you like thunderstorms:  I am a thunderstorm
Dream vacation: Going to a new city and doing NOTHING
Do you have a crush on anyone: Yes but one of them has a boyfriend and the one with awesome glasses may also be taken
I'm addicated to...: E!
What's your phones ringtone: For whom?
What can't you live without: Food, water -- you know, the essentials


Tag. You're it.

Remember the movie Crank? UK actor Jason Statham (be still, hearts of girls everywhere) is injected with a poison that will kill him if his heart rate drops, so he goes throughout the movie like he has an IV of adrenaline? I think I saw parts of it and it was mildly entertaining. Apparently they're making a sequel, according to the SpoilerTV blog. The good folks posted a casting notice for this sequel, as well as the bare essentials about the plot.

In spite of having fallen a mile from a helicopter at the end of CRANK, Chev Chelios faces a Chinese mobster who has stolen his nearly indestructible heart and replaced it with a battery-powered ticker that requires regular jolts of electricity to keep working.

Wow. How interesting. Remind me to consider seeing this when it hits the shelves. At least my dream girl Amy Smart will be in it, too.

Then again, after careful consideration, I think I would want to see this. Statham is one of my favorite action movie stars. I faithfully followed his portrayal of Frank Martin in the Transporter and Transporter 2, and eagerly await the third, though I know it will be worse than the first two combined. I even dug his roles in the Italian Job and Snatch and even saw the One (which was a total mistake in and of itself). I may end up seeing a Crank sequel come theatre-release time, which wouldn't be for a while anyway.

How 'bout you?

I was looking through Iron Man photos that panasonicyouth pointed out this morning and decided to check out some info on the movie at the IMDb. It mentioned that Robert Downey Jr. is going to be in the new Incredible Hulk movie as Tony Stark too?? Does that mean Iron Man will be in the new Incredible Hulk movie, too? Does this mean they'll fight???

So I understand that this is old news (AICN Dec, 2007), but the geek in me still goes plotz, and now I can’t wait for both of these movies, and despite the lack of circulating rumours about fight scenes including Robert Downey Jr. and Edward Norton, I mean two computer-generated superheros, I can still hold my breath and hope.

And speculate, I suppose, too.

If I could make a movie about how the Hulk and Iron Man throw down, I imagine it would start with Norton making some snide remark about Downey being perfect for the part of Tony Stark, and then Downey making some snide remark about Norton being perfect for the part of Smoochy. After that, Norton would remind Downey he was in the Shaggy Dog, and then, "This coming from the guy who played a movie about a priest and a rabbi!"

"Singing Detective!" shoots Norton.

"Have you no taste in movies? Oh, I forgot, you worked with Richard Gere and Matt Damon, so clearly you don't."

"This coming from the man who's been in more bad movies than George Carlin! I remember wasting seven dollars on a little movie called Danger Zone. Remember that?"

This is the point where Downey takes one of the five beer bottles in front of him and smashes it over Edward Norton's head. And the immortal words of the late, great, Bill Bixby, You wouldn't like me when I'm angry, ring out in Downey's mind. And he realises he just made a boo boo.

Scrambling to get back to his car, because the suit's in there, he leaves poor Banner too writhe around on the ground and turn pale green and grow to about three times the size of his normal self and scream "HULK SMASH!"

That's when they say, it's on. Iron Man blasts into the sky and fires little pulse blast things from his hand at the Hulk, who leaps into the air with fists aimed directly at the little metal dude. A hit square to Iron Man's jaw knocks him spinning further up, up, and away, and gravity takes Mr. Green back down to the top of some nearby building. Eventually Iron Man regains his senses, so to speak, just in time to avoid a Boeing on its way to Japan. He aligns himself in the sky and peers down.

There's the Hulk, all distracted by a great dane sitting in the park. Children and parents are running away, screaming MONSTER IN THE PARK!!! but he doesn't care, because, "OO PUPPEE!" He pets the thing gently, and the dog barks happily, and then the cops roll in with their guns. I'm sure you know what happens.

"WUT? Y HOOMINS SHOOTING AT ME???" The inevitable picking up of a tree and throwing it at the Popo, who duck and cover behind their cars. A stupid move on their part, because a tree is heading for said vehicles, and sure enough they'll still be injured by the tree.

But luckily, at long last, Tony Stark swoops out of the sky and catches the tree just in time to save the ill-equipped police officers. "I'll take it from here," he announces to them. "Go grab a cup of coffee and watch the action unfold from the relative safety of the Starbucks on the corner."

They oblige.

Iron Man catches Hulk's eyes. They meet from across the park, like star-crossed enemies meeting for the second time. Iron Man chucks the tree at Hulk, and quickly follows it at high-speed. Hulk bats the tree aside and gets sucker-punched by a fist coming in at about two knots. The force throws him back through the window into a restaurant in the west-end town. He gets up and starts kicking in chairs and knocking down tables, screaming, "BIG METAL MAN GIV HULK BOO BOO!!!" He grabs two tables and throws him at Iron Man, and roars.

But Iron Man cannot be stopped by tables. They bounce off him like toothpicks. Iron Man uses his hand-lasers to shoot down the Hulk again, but they kinda do little more than anger the Hulk. And you know what they say about the Hulk. The angrier, the stronger.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAR" goes the Hulk, and dashes out of the restaurant, earth-shattering step by earth-shattering step, with both fists closed together above his head, a little solar eclipse above Iron Man. The fists come down, rocking the ground for about eighty yards all around him, but completely missing Iron Man, who deftly dodges the attack.

And Sam Witwicky's dad screams, "Earthquake! Duck and cover!" while diving under the dining room table, never once spilling his wine.

Iron Man spins around the Hulk and picks him up from behind. "Come on, big fella! We gotta cool you off somehow!" He blasts off, and the Hulk can't seem to turn around to get his big, grubby hands on Ole Red and Gold. All he can do is roar, "SRSLY, DIS SUX!" and try and do the reach around so he can get Iron Man off his back. Literally.

Iron Man remembers seeing an old TV show where they locked the Hulk in an airtight chamber, and when he fell asleep he turned back into Banner, so they're going to some place in the deserts where he's sure they'll have airtight chambers.

That's where that old TV cartoon he saw took place, you see.

So they're off, the Hulk screaming, "PLZ 2 LEGGO MEH NAO!" the whole time, but eventually the Hulk gets mad enough that all he has to do is breathe in a little bit and the strength of his inhaling is enough to push Iron Man off.

As Stark loses his grip on the Hulk, he curses to himself, and then says, "Screw it." The Hulk is now free! But from 15,000 feet above the ground, there's not much the Hulk can do. So he just plummets face first into the ground below.

Stark also realises he can't do this on his own. The Hulk is just too powerful. He calls in an old friend, Nick Fury.

"You need the help of Col. Nick Fury and S.H.I.E.L.D. to stop this menace? I'll do it for fifty thousand dollars."

Stark is shocked and appalled by Fury's sudden sense of greed. All he can manage is, "What?"

Fury's communication comes in. "What country you from?"

"What?"

"What ain't no country I ever heard of. Do they speak English in What?"

Stark doesn't get the game Fury's playing. "What?"

"English, motherfucker, do you speak it?"

"This isn't funny, Fury. Are you gonna help me out or not?"

"I'm just messin' with ya, kid. We'll be there."

I hate you, Nick Fury, Stark thinks to himself as he hangs up. Then, THUD! Iron Man goes flying uncontrollably again. Spinning head over heel. sideways across the luscious desert landscape.

During that whole transaction over the phone, the Hulk had enough time to
a. smash face-first into the ground
b. scream METAL HOOMIN NO MAEK BROKED HULK!
c. find iron man and pummel him again.

Iron Man crashes into the side of a cliff. He's kinda stuck there when the warning light in his suit announces he is running low on batteries -- which kinda sucks because the big green is now on a head-on collision with him, running at full steam with no signs of stopping. Iron Man wedges his way out of the cliff face and blasts off. Hulk vaults himself up to catch Iron Man, and they share a few fists and parries before the Hulk falls to the ground again.

He leaps up to meet Iron Man again and is met with a tiny missile to the face. Doesn't hurt so much but it distracts the Hulk and gives just enough opposite force to keep the Hulk from ascending any further.

And now he plummets back to the desert below. "O NOES!" he screams, and his body digs a giant man-shaped hole into the ground.

"Fury, you here yet?" Tony screams.

"Yeah. Look to your left," comes an inbound communication.

Iron Man looks to the left. And there, all the way in the distance, he can barely see—

The proud figure of Nick Fury, standing alone in the distance, his robe completely still in the absence of a desert breeze. He uses his Force Speed to make it to Iron Man's position lickety split, and announces, "The cavalry has arrived."

He flicks a switch, and the laser-sword hisses on with a snap. The Hulk catches the purple glow of the lightsaber, runs up to it, and happily bellows, "LAZR MACHES MAH PANS!!"

But Nick Fury is not amused. "In the name," he announces, as his S.H.I.E.L.D. cohorts line up behind him, "of the Galactic Senate of the Republic, you're under arrest, Hulk."

The Hulk stops, confused. He cocks his head to the side while contemplating the ramifications of his actions up to this point, as well as the options he has before him. To go the easy way or the hard way. On one hand, he could end the fight now, and spare the lives of the S.H.I.E.L.D. associates, or he could stand up for his own rights as a big, green creature, and fight them all at once. And after they are defeated, he can be left alone. He makes his decision. "IZ TREEEEEEEEEZON!" he shouts and rushes them all at once.

Though it happens to fast for one to see, each member of S.H.I.E.L.D. turn on their lightsabers in succession, and an arc of blue light forms, a semicircle around their leader. They all stand poised in defensive stances. The Hulk stops, claps his hands in front of him, and all of S.H.I.E.L.D. are blown away from the force of the clap (not to be confuzzled with the Force in which Nick Fury is adept).

The Hulk then turns his sights on Iron Man, and gives him a sinister, you're done for, glare.

Iron Man analyzes his suit. 24% power. Definitely not enough to sustain a battle. Plus, all the beer he drank is getting to him, and he kinda has to pee. But not in the suit, man. Not in the suit! He can't risk it. Iron rusts, you know.

So Iron Man takes a step back. Keep his distance from the Hulk, and try and buy some time. For what, he doesn't know.

The Hulk follows with one step forward.

Iron Man takes another step back. The Hulk follows with another step. A pause. A synchronized backpedalling of Iron Man with Hulk's advances. Another pause. Iron Man throws one foot forward. Hulk takes a step back. Iron Man ignites his boots and circles the Hulk, who merely stands and watches.

Iron Man lands near Col. Fury and slaps him awake. "I have an idea."

The Hulk growls and runs towards the two. He still wants to fight. At a distance of ten feet, he skids to a stop, and throws out his arms and roars. "HOOMINS FITE MOAR!"

Fury stands up, waves his hand in front of him, and tells the Hulk. "You don't want to fight anymore."

"I DUN WANNA FITE NO MOAR."

"You're calm and collected."

"AHM CAM AN KOLEKTED."

"Yeah. You just wanna go to sleep."

"YA I JUS WANNA GO TOO SEEP."

"So go sleep."

The Hulk yawns, tilts his head back, and crashes onto the ground. Within seconds, he's snoring.

And as if by some twisted, Guillermo Del Toro version of a mircale, the Hulk shrinks in size.

He's banner again.

Iron Man crashes to the ground, his batteries nearly depleted. "Thanks for the help, Col. Fury."

Nick Fury takes a seat on the ground next to Iron Man, helps him remove the mask. "For an old friend? Any time."

Banner crawls over to them. "Hey, you guys have any clothes or anything I can borrow?"

A Reo pulls up, and Fury informs the driver of what happened. Banner feels kinda bad for the damage he caused, so he helps load the fallen soldiers into the truck.

They're helping the last one in, when Nick Fury says, "You know, I didn't like American History X all that much."

Banner glares at Fury. "What??"

Fury returns the glare. "Say what again. I dare you. I double-dare you, motherfucker, say what one more Goddamn time."

And Stark rolls his eyes. "Here we go again."

Banner's eyes are flashing green.

Apparently, it's a requirement to type in ALL CAPS in my presence. Whether or not that's the case is one thing. Whether or not that's true remains to be seen. However, I do prefer all caps. It makes things so much more interesting for the listener.

Here's something I wrote, unedited of course, today while at work. I tend to title posts after a song I happen to be listening to from time to time. Hence the obv Beetles reference.

---

"You Tell Me That It's Evolution" - 1315h

Is it possible to have a week-long panic attack? The kind where it feels like someone’s taken your heart and is squeezing in their own fist? Each beat takes more effort than the last. Not quite a logarithmic equation of discomfort, but disturbing enough to distract you all day. Not so terrible that you think death is better, but enough to be so irritable to everyone around you.

Mine, it feels like I’ve taken my own heart in my two hands and am carefully pushing in on both sides. “Dear Prudence” plays on my laptop as I type this. The version from Across the Universe that I loved so much when I first came across it. I’d think it offers some sort of consolation, a quick moment of forget the world around you, and enjoy the simple pleasures of asking Prudence, “Won’t you come out to play?” Look around. Look around. But now with the new significance, it only adds to the claustrophobia in the most important muscle in my body.

I long for weekends, cold and beautiful. I want to walk outside and the wind to bite my face. I want to feel something. Anything. Slamming my head against the wall does nothing anymore. I need a cigarette. Is that bad? Just one? It’ll turn into two, three, twenty. No, really. I only need one.

I can’t breathe. It’s not unlike asthma, but the only difference is this time it’s not the lungs making it impossible to capture enough oxygen. And when I make it all the way to a nice deep breath, my whole body turns into a series of leeches, snatching up all the comfort of beautiful air so quickly, the entire being of me, as a whole, doesn’t get a chance to enjoy it. I feel more exhausted with every breath.

What kinds of drugs does one take for this? I called my doctor but never received a call back. I want something to hold me over until I go to see the heart doctor. No call back. Just the message from me, here’s my work numbeer.

This morning — barely seven o’clock, barely enough time to wake myself out of the slumber, shake away the weary eyes, to realise my neck still has that kink that’s been there since Tuesday — WMD calls me. She’s on her way to the subway, on her way to work. There’s someone whom I would probably love like a sister if I allowed myself to love people like sisters. She’s a great friend. She cares about me just like I care about her. I care about her as much as my own brother. WMD, you’re like a sister to me. For now I’m happy with calling her my best friend in the world. The conversation ends after a blink of a minute, and I yearn for more. It’s comfort in my little bubble where the only thing I feel is a limbo of emotion. Come back, WMD, just for another minute. Let me let you know today will be okay. Let me know that everything will be okay.

“Don’t you know it’s gonna be all right?” plays now through the tiny laptop speakers. They spit out plastic, lo-fi digital signals, esoteric impressions of classic pop tunes from 40 years ago. I hope this plastic announcement is right. I can’t deal with another week like this. I can’t crush my heart between my own two hands.

---

You can find more on my other blog(s), but they're just as unedited. Plus, I think you're better off reading . . . um . . . oh crap I don't read blogs anymore. OK OK OK Read Nick Danger, cuz he's cool.

Whenever I post a video on Buzznet lately, it doesn't show up on my web pages. I uploaded JVC16 like three weeks ago onto Buzznet and it never showed up, so I uploaded it to YouTube and linked it to here. That works too, right?

Well, JVC20 clocks in at 12:46! YouTube won't allow it. BUT!!! I can upload it to Buzznet without incident.

BUT!!! Buzznet won't show it!!! Because video posting on this site seems to be a jerk for me and a few others! I don't get it. I can embed the video elesewhere, but it still won't show up on the regular video page!!!

In the meantime, you can see the video here: MYSPACE!!!

Or!!!





edit: OR HAHAHA YOU KNOW HWAT!!! BUZZNET MESSED UP THE UPLOAD ALTOGETHER AND CHOPPED OFF THE LAST FOUR MINUTES OF THE VIDEO!!!!

So I had to make it a two-part episode and upload each part individually. Just go to the video page to see the two parts.

Wow. Time flies when you're getting rides to New Jersey since you can't drive there on your own!

But It Was You I Was Thinkin' Of

The last time we talked, I was saying how I don't exactly remember faces, but I could recall them and recognize someone. "But if someone were to ask me to describe what you look like, and I wouldn't be able to," I concluded. And you cocked your head sideways and said, "You couldn't?""Oh, I mean people in general. I've seen you enough times that I'd be able to describe you." And I already had in mind what I'd say.What would I say if someone asked me about you? I would say that you're tiny—he adorable tiny that you reserve for picture perfect dolls who you want to admire all day. I would say that you have long, dark brown hair. Big, beautiful, baby blue eyes. You're beautiful, you have full, luscious lips. You have a small, girly voice that I love listening to. I would say that you love to dance, and are always trying to get me to dance, too. I would tell someone that just out of the shower—your still damp hair waving perfectly—I love the way your bangs sweep to your right (my left) barely keeping your eyes a mystery from my gaze. What do you hide from us, I'd wonder aloud to whoever is listening. But it's never important. What's important is that moment when I'm sitting next to you, enjoying that precise moment.You're a strong woman. You're intelligent. You know what you want out of life and you're not going to let anything stand in your way. I'll tell someone you are a really good person to know, and I'm glad I know you.You're gorgeous, you're cute, you're interesting; you're hot, steaming, sexy. You love to have fun and all the boys fall for you. I'd tell someone, and then tell him, "stay away. She'll just break your heart." She'd break mine if I let her. And oh, would I let her, I'd tell someone.You're picture perfect, strong, and getting a Master's Degree, which doesn't shock me anymore. What does shock me is that you look like you should have just received an Associate's Degree. I would say this and remember how quickly confused I was. My mind almost shut down when I found out your age.I would tell someone the story of how we didn't see a local band together and then went dancing. Thank Gaia I was in the company of a friend who was willing to dance with you, because I am about as comfortable dancing as I am rigging the Superbowl to get the Bengals to win.And then I'd say, "Back then I was relieved to have a reason to leave early. But dammit I just wish I stayed and danced with her."

You Waited By the Window, I Waited By the Door

The radio on the ride home from my parents' is playing a story about a man who worked on the TV series "The Sopranos." Twenty years ago his mother was murdered. His name is Jason Minter. He filmed a documentary about the robbery gone horribly awry. It's a strange yet eerily touching story to listen to, and I wish I could hear the NPR story all over again. The closest thing I could come to is the story on Westchester Magazine. I didn't read the article. My brother and I sat in the car for an extra twenty minutes, our ears glued to the speakers, hanging on every word. That's how powerful the story is.

I Come Undone, Oh yes I do

We're nearing that two week mark, and I'm itching to just drive somewhere. I know someone in Ramsey who I need to meet—someone from Buzznet who went to university in the UK. But I have to wait until after Black Friday before I can even hope to do that.But honestly the thing I'm looking forward to the most is actually getting to work on time.

(crossposted from jayv.yoursecretidentity.net)

Jay V's VidCast #13 just got featured. You want in? Jersey and Philly, peeps. Hit me up and we'll talk. We'll chat. And we'll have it ALL ON VIDEO!!!!(by the way, until November 16th it will be a PA thing or you will have to drive me)

    I have new photos, AND I have new a video!

That's right, fans of Jay V's VidCast! Jay V's VidCast #10 is up!!!

RULES
1. You post your top 10 fantasy guys/girls
2. You tag 10 people.
3. You CANNOT tag someone who has already been tagged.
4. You have to let the people you tagged know that they've been tagged.
5. These are the rules they must be repeated every time.
6. THERE MUST BE PHOTOS! AT ALL TIMES!


In no particular order, right? OK good let's start.

---

1. Gwenyth Paltrow:
   
   
   
2. Kate Beckinsale
   
   
   
3. Cate Blanchett
   
   
   
4. Rachel McAdams
   
   
   
5. Sarah Polley
   
   
   
6. Milla Jovovich
   
   
   
7. Tina Fey
   
   
   
8. Michelle Branch
   
   
   
9. Sarah Michelle Gellar
   
   
   
10. Foresight
    
    

---

And thusly I shall tag --

nicholasdanger, jezebelle, pompasaurus, ooo, masonnell, kevinv033, kalipornia, jaredjared, cupcakeprincessponies, foresight

It started here on Buzznet with a post by PanasonicYouth.

Here are the rules:

1) Only list 8 facts.
2) You must then list 8 TAGS at the end of the post. This means you must name 8 people on Buzznet who now must do the same blog.
3) Go comment on their profile and tell them to come read yours! [We] demand participation.

---

BUSTED!! At long last, I suppose... Well, here goes a-nothin'!!!

1. I didn't know what defenestrate means until I tried using it in a very embarrassing situation. While I knew it was a violent word, I didn't realize what kind of violent until I found the foot in the mouth.
   
2. I still try to podcast, even though I don't really have much interest anymore. Who remembers Jay V Mail? How about Uncovered? Anyone? anyone?
   
3. I've only really had one major love of my life person-wise. Sad, isn't it?
4. I've met a bunch of Buzznet people. Let's see if I can remember who. Tomdog, Spritopias, Seawall90, Markw, Evangeline, Foresight, Honeytoes, Jack, and Mitya.
5. I tried to make certain phrases from my childhood into my own catch phrases of today, like, "This, I command!" and "I'm truly outrageous!" None of them stuck.
   
6. I can't help but say things that are very funny at the exact moment Lys is drinking something. She plans to kill me one day, all because I told her that, "Mine [car] has six speeds."
7. I sometimes wish I could fall off of more cars. Without getting too injured, of course.
8. I have trouble sleeping at night.

---

And now . . . who to tag?

pompasaurus
geeknostalgia
theshadowboxer
foresight
jezebelle
dvl
knitgirl
freakpowertix

THIS, I COMMAND!

When life gets you down thank the gods for your best friends to keep you from going insane
When you make a million mistakes in life it's nice to know there are still people who care about you and support you
To my best friend and to my family I want to say thank you
And also to the Pub I want to say you have an awesome breakfast

at one point she was my everything. you ever have one of those? that someone who gives you so much happiness you couldn't imagine life without them?

well i had to start imagining life without her when we broke up. we said to stay friends and i tried, but it was too soon. i could never get over her. a few weeks after the breakup, i invited her out to see a favorite band of ours play in manayunk. she said, "if i'm not busy," and proceeded to make plans with the rest of my friends for a Game Night that was in talks since this past winter. at the Game Night, she bad-mouthed me to no end, to the point where all my friends had to tell her to lay off. but i let that go and said we can still be friends.

but there was a point i had to say, this is enough. i had to cut all contact with her. i told her that, and asked her not to contact me. i wouldn't contact her. it was the only way i could keep any semblence of my sanity.  and then my friends were still emailing everyone including the two of us. i had to tell them not to because i can't be around her, and we can't be friends. i wrote an email saying that i don't want them to no longer be friends with her.

she broke the silence by asking me who i wrote to saying they can't be friends with her. she then started leaving text messages and calling all night. thankfully that only lasted two days. but come on i said, no contact. what part of "no contact" did she not get? i need my space to move on, to let go. she wanted to remain friends, i needed that space before it could ever happen.

intermittently she'd write a comment here or there, as if i never said "please don't contact me." i had to tell her once or twice that we can't talk. it still hurt to see her name, to see her picture. but this time it was anger instead of sadness. she wrote me an email that voiced concern for about a second and then turned bitch on me. i told her again, "i need a LOT of time."

my friend alyssa has been helping me through these rough times. she's telling me it's gonna get worse, it's gonna get better. it's been getting better. i can smile now. i don't hurt. i don't think about the ex anymore and i love life again.

i can sleep at night.

so i cleaned up part of my desk and found old mail i don't need and the birthday cards she'd given me. i don't save birthday cards -- what guy does? -- and so i put them in the trash.

she saw the pictures -- because even though we're broken up and i clearly received the ass-end of it  (despite the fact i said 'let's do this' right after she said it) and am the one who needs to move on -- wait a sec let me backtrack some.

the evening of the breakup i told her something that i had felt very guilty about, because it was a big thing that happened the previous week i was keeping secret from her. i didn't want her to have to deal with my problems so i wanted a break of sorts. she was tired of waiting for me to become who she wanted to she wanted a break-up. i wanted to get back together in the future and she said that won't ever happen. clearly she had already moved on. as a good friend of mine had told me, "she broke up with you? then that means she'd moved on a long time ago." so it was me who had to play catch up and move on.

anyway, moving on to the present again, when i posted the pictures of my new nikes and the trash can was in frame, she wrote me an email, called me an a-hole, insulted me, insulted one of my closest friends EVER. clearly the whole idea of no contact means i don't talk to her, she doesn't talk to me.

she keeps spiralling me into places i don't like to go. i don't like to hate. there are negative emotions i don't mind. that's when they deal with me. i can loathe myself, and i'm okay with that. if i ever loathe someone else, i hate myself for it because i don't allow myself such a base reaction towards other people. but at this point there's nothing else in me for her. she insults everyone i know in her e-mails now, and never acted like she cared about me or anyone else in any of her e-mails. they may seem to with a word or two, here or there, but overall i'm really saddened that there are people like her in the world, who can't leave well enough alone.

i'm happy now. can't she let me be happy? worse yet, why do i put up with this? i said no contact and she repeatedly breaks that rule.

at least i don't get phone calls anymore. i guess i should at least feel happy about that. but i can't feel happy about someone who insults my closest friends directly to me, and then tries to contact them and be all friendly at them. it's a two-faced attitude, and i don't know why i stand for it.

someday i'll grow a backbone and tell her off. if i get angry enough. i'm already at the point where i regret the past year. you have to be a real fuckoff at me to dislike you that much. and she did. but i'm not at the point where it's time to lash out. no. i have hella more patience than i give myself credit for sometimes.

but she wants to be a big bitch? let me be all high school and write a journal about it, as if telling you all will make you too realize she's a crazy psycho.

you don't have to believe a word of this. you don't have to care. if you didn't and you read and you still don't, i'm sorry i wasted your time. i just needed to vent and i figured buzznet's a nice place to vent, because my blog is currently in photo month. and next month it'll be at mp3 month. august will be youtube month if i feel like it. :D but that's taken up already and i think she reads my myspace blogs so -- here i am.

don't believe me. don't care. thanks for reading. sorry if i wasted time. or thanks for caring enough to read.

last night he came over john's where we were practicing and took a couple of pictures.

this was the only good one.

Hey dudes. In case you didn't know, one of my songs got played on the radio. If you didn't get a chance to listen -- cuz, you know, you're not from the Delaware valley, you have a couple options.
1. download the show from wstw.com/heroes later on this week (my song's on the 10:00 hour)
2. go to jayv.yoursecretidentity.net and listen to the podcast i made of the tail end of my song
3. just hit up my audio player for the podcast i made of the tail end of my song

thanks

peace out

jay v

i just dropped a song i wrote a couple months ago into the player. it's for my friend kristyn. it's really about how hard it is to say no and the consequences it brings. it's called "you wanted love so bad" and it's the first track. i hope, if you listen, you enjoy it.